BITE ME NOT

Mala is my friend's six year-old daughter. She is pretty, cute, funny and full of loveable tricks. A conversation with her is always entertaining; it sometimes takes an unexpected turn.

The other Sunday I visited my friend and sure enough Mala was there. I had dinner with them, a rather heavy one and I sat on the sofa feeling relaxed and drowsy. Mala's Kindergarten text book lay by my side and I idly flipped through the pages. I began reading the model sentences therein , half for the sake of reinforcing her education and half out of amusement. "Dogs bark. Snakes crawl. Horses neigh. Elephants trumpet.." and so on.. Mala was intently studying a scrap of an old newspaper. She lifted her head and responded excitedly ,"Wrestelers bite"!

I was startled and looked at her with surprise. She came up to me holding the scrap of paper and pointed at an item. "Wrestler bites opponent's ear.", the heading read.

Mala asked me innocently "Uncle, is biting a sport?"

"No dear."

"Then why this man bit his opponent?" She began to chuckle and answered her own question,

"May be he was hungry."

"No kitten, you cannot wrestle with an empty stomach. You need a lot of energy to wrestle."

"Then may be he did not actually bite the ear. He was just holding it between his teeth, like our dog Brownie holds my hand in its teeth, but does not bite me. Dogs do that to show they love you, you know?"

Her dad who was tinkering with a stereo set laughed and said,"Sweetie, those guys were there inside the ropes to fight , not to make love." He turned to his wife who was watching the TV and said in a low whisper ,"Except, may be in the bed room biting is allowed." and ducked his head anticipating an imaginary pillow flying at him.

"Then why did this wrestler bite that man's ear? Uncle, you tell me.", Mala persisted.

Her mother said, " Now, Mala,don't pester uncle with your silly questions."

I said, "It is OK Mala. I am not feeling bright. Your mummy overfed me and I am drowsy. I'll have a catnap and after I wake up I will try to answer you."

"Promise?"

"Promise.'

I reclined back and closed my eyes. I was asleep before I knew it. Soon I had a nightmarish dream….

All the nations of the world were in a fearful state. Nation A and nation B , both possessing nuclear weapons were on the verge of war. A desperate meeting was arranged by the UNO. All the representatives of major powers were seated, persuading A and B to sit side by side. The situation was tense, very tense. A was boasting that his country possessed one thousand nuclear weapons It had the rockets to deliver the bombs, rearing to fly. He said with an ominous growl that his country would not be responsible if some of those missiles did not behave properly and landed on other neighboring neutral countries. B was equal to the challenge. He said his country had double the quantity of bombs and missiles. For every rocket of A that deviated from its course his country had two that could do the same. And the range was twice those of A's. The representatives were breaking out in cold sweat.

A turned behind to his aide and made a funny remark in his native language. They both laughed merrily. B turned to his aide cracked some joke in his lingo. The duo laughed harder and longer. Suddenly A turned towards B and bit his ear. In retribution, but out of confusion B turned to his right and bit the man sitting there. That man twisted to his right and bit his neighbor. The biting wave picked up momentum and moved anticlockwise rapidly.

I woke up in horror. I must have groaned aloud because my friend, his wife and Mala were looking at me anxiously. I told them my nightmarish dream and we all had a hearty laugh.

Mala had a brainwave. She said

"Uncle, I know now. The wrestler was not actually biting the other man. He was whispering something into his ears."

Her mom said "Now shut up you wiseacre. Those guys are supposed to fight there. Not to whisper love songs in front of all the spectators."

"I know that, mummy. The man was not singing love songs. He was whispering something else."

"Such as?"

"He was asking, why are you not taking a dive? You are supposed to do that. Do it quickly, I am getting tired."

I laughed and said "That is silly Mala."

Mala replied in a serious scholarly tone "Uncle, you do not know. I know everything. Our teacher explained to us in the classroom that every sport in the world is fixed."

"Come, Mala things can't be that bad."

"Uncle, you are very naïve. Our teacher has explained everything to us. Making money is the only sport worth choosing."

I was flabbergasted. This winsome girl had already learned what it took me forty odd years to understand.

Mala stared at me intently. She said "Uncle I want to bite your ears." And came rushing at me! I did not have the heart to resist the little angel.

She jumped into my lap, took hold of my head in her sweet, tender hands and whispered into my ears, sweetly,

"Uncle I was just joking, that is all."

Tags & Keywords : wrestler, humor, laughs, UNO, biteuncle,dad, mom