Recipe for a Be(u)stseller

Of late I am devoting serious thoughts to this subject. The thought of books used to frighten me - I mean writing one. I was in awe of the great writers I read and admired (and secretly envied.) And of course even the very idea of writing a book was beyond my wildest imagination.

And then I began to read thrillers. (They are ALL bestsellers as the blurbs on the covers enticingly inform you.) I admit I I got addicted to them.

And as the pile of books in the corner of my bedroom rose higher and higher the realization hit me. It is very easy to write a thriller. I offer the following tips gratis to the aspiring writer in you.

If you are really serious the following words are a must. Liberally sprinkle your pages with them. You should never feel shy of using the great four-letter word that starts with, you know what. Or the other fourletterer (yeah, er) starting with S and ending with T.(Didn't get it? TS) Your macho hero should ever be ready to shed his inhibitions and his clothes in any possible situation, be it a bedroom, or an elevator or her Ford. Your does it at least once in every chapter- and with a different siren. He is so full of love, you see. But be careful, you should describe the scenes seriously. Believe in them.

Grammar, you asked? Syntax and spelling ? you worried? Dummy, a bestseller never bothers about such trivial matters. The hero never left the scene. He exited.(See, how exciting.) When a character is hurt she is not hurt. She hurts. She does not shed tears. She tears. Having trouble with long words? Simple. Compress them the virile Yankee way. You do not have to say condominium. Just say condo. You can't spell delicatessen? It is just deli, greenhorn. A catamaran is only a cat. You want to describe the person who committed a heinous crime? Do not waste breath. Just call him a perp. Easy does it.

And lastly, are you stuck with the plot? Lift scenes judiciously from a dozen other thrillers and blockbuster movies. But be careful to use different names, for god's sake! The witches' cauldron- The Bard invented it just for guys like you.

And to spice it up add an occasional Japanese word ? Ki, Hara, Samurai. Even Zen will do. That word has been by now mixed up with all sorts of mundane things.

The rest, you leave to the twin gods ? your agent and your publisher. Sit back, relax and start counting the flow in of moolah. Happy hunting.